A Typical Day in Soul Society
by Bobicus
Summary: What might happen should Ichigo become a captain and Rukia his vice-captain. Hilarity, especially when Kenpachi is involved. One-shot, is a republished story. R&R.


**A/N:** Well everyone, here is my first official anime fanfic. I hope you enjoy it as much as I enjoyed writing it. I posted it under a different profile at first, so if you've read this before, don't worry- same author, different profile.

**Disclaimer:** Bleach does not belong to me. It was created by Tite Kibo, and is distributed by _Weekly Shōnen Jump_ and Viz Media.

' - characters thoughts

" - actual dialogue

* * *

This fic is set 10 years after the events of the Winter War between Soul Society and Las Noches. The war ended in Soul Societies favor, but not without loss. Some of the characters have died, and others have moved on with their lives.

It was a bright and sunny day in Soul Society. The birds were singing, the sky was clear, and shinigami went about their daily business in peace. With the war over, Soul Society had returned to its mundane self, and save for some arrancar appearing, it was paperwork, paperwork, and more paperwork that filled the lives of its highest ranks. It truly seemed that under captain-general Ukitake, Soul Society was destined for an age of quiet harmony.

That is, of course, unless two certain captains should somehow manage to disagree with one another… and that is where this story begins.

* * *

Captain Komamuro and his subordinate, vice-captain Tetsuzaemon Iba, were having their afternoon tea at the 7th divisions headquarters.

Komamuro looked calm and peaceful, as he delicately sipped from his teacup. He'd just gotten out of a truly interesting meeting Ukitake - the man had reccommended Komamuro spend some time in the real world on patrol, something he had not done in nearly half a century. From what Komamuro had heard, things had changed quite a bit since his last visit. Little Rukia even said that he might be able to walk around and mingle with humans in a gigai at things called "conventions"- an intriguing idea, as he had never met any other humans besides the invading Ryoka of years past.

Meanwhile, Iba was lost in his own... less admirable thoughts. He had gulped down his tea as soon as the 5th seat had poured it, and had immediately taken out an engraved, yet very manly, abacus, and was currently hard at work... tallying things?

'Hm... according to the secret polls we conducted, the Shinigami Men's Association might outstrip the Shinigami Womens Association in funds raised this coming month. Heh, and its all thanks to my brilliant plan; creating a calendar of all the high-ranking female shinigami will make us rich! Women, booze, real world items- its all ours for the taking! Heheheh'

While he sat there smiling and patting himself on the back (he was quite literally doing so, causing his captain to wonder if the man needed some help), Iba decided that he'd had enough tea for the moment, and that he was in need of something with a little more punch. Standing up, he turned to ask his captains permission to be excused... when he was suddenly sent flying into the far wall by a massive burst of reiatsu.

* * *

Boom! As the rumblings of the blast faded away, half of Soul Society heard the captain of the 11th division laughing his head off. "Hahaha. That's more like it, Kurosaki Ichigo. Come at me with your blood boiling and flames in your eyes! I haven't had a decent fight since they swore you in."

Ichigo Kurosaki's verbal response to the blood thirsty captains yell went unheard, but his immediate actions following it were hard to ignore. The explosion of reaitsu at the 13th division's headquarters was strong to instantly flatten any shinigami below the rank of captain to their knees. As shinigami streamed out of the building in droves, their progress was interrupted by the division's vice-captain, who had such a look of suffering upon her face that the few shinigami who bothered to look at her immediately felt sorry for the burden on her shoulders- just not sorry enough to stay and help her out.

Sighing to herself Rukia Kuchiki, vice-captain of squad 13, began her march towards the sparring area located in the middle of the divisions headquarters. Serving under the man she loved had its perks (she could keep on eye on him and make sure he couldn't flirt with any other ladies, for one), but sometimes she longed for the peaceful days she spent under Ukitake-dono and Kaien-sama. Why did the man have to be such a moron?

Muttering to herself, Rukia says, "I swear, that baka can be such a jackass at times! Day in and day out its nothing but fights. Oh, sure, he has his excuses close to hand- but that's all they are. Excuses". Rukia halts her progress for a moment, to give her more time to recall his past excuses and work herself into a greater frenzy. "That baka! Baka baka baka. Why can't he just let me have one day of rest! I leave him alone for 15 minutes to go spend some time with nii-san, and what happens? He and Kenpachi start fighting one another. Argh!"

Fuming, she resumed her march towards the office, trying to figure out why she hadn't killed Ichigo for all of the trouble he put her through.

'Why was it that he was still alive? Hmmm, one reason is that I love the idiot. Another reason is his blasted strength- the man was simply too strong for his own good. Plus, when Ulqiorra finally DOES manage to kill him, he comes back from the dead, and lo and behold, he's no longer a mortal human. As for the final reason…'

Well, the final reason brought a slight blush to her face that was definitely not caused by anger.

'No, no, must stay angry. I mustn't think of that time where he… no, no, still not working. Think bad thoughts Rukia, bad thoughts! Ichigo naked, covered in chocolate… NO! Not naughty thoughts, angry thoughts! Ummm… ummm… Oh, I've got it. Ichigo hitting Chappy with his sword. The loser! Oh, or Ichigo making fun of my height, calling me midget. I HATE that! Or, even better, Ichigo kissing Matsumoto in a bar… ARGH!!!'

Thanks to her little episode, Rukia was now good and angry. She no longer wanted to hurt Ichigo- she wanted to make him regret ever being born! That soon changed though. Apparently, the fight between Ichigo and Zarakai had spilled into the surrounding buildings. The only building left intact was the one she had just exited from… leaving her to view a scene of such utter devastation that she was left with but one recourse… to pound the living daylights of Ichigo's skull.

"ICHIGO! GET YOUR ASS DOWN HERE, FRONT AND CENTER!"

Rukia's yelled. Her voice, though, got drowned out in the next release of reaitsu, as she hears Ichigo's voice scream out "Ban-KAI!". This latest burst was strong enough to throw her backwards, sending her flying down the hall that she had just come in through and onto the street. Dazed and slightly confused, she briefly considered unleashing her shikai to freeze his ass... but no, someone had to be the responsible one, damnit, and that one was her.

Picking herself up, one thought kept repeating itself over and over in her mind. 'Must… not… kill… the baka. Must… restrain myself… I've gotta hold on to sanity…' only to be interrupted as a black-clad form was thrown into her, knocking her into a nearby wall.

* * *

Ichigo drew himself up from the pile of rubble that Zarakai Kenpachi had just thrown him into. Smiling to himself as he wiped away blood from a shallow cut above his right eye, he let out a short chuckle of amusement. 'Man', he thought to himself, 'either Kenpachi is losing his strength, or that last wall he threw me through was really soft. Heh, this'll be easier than I thought'.

Zarakai, meanwhile, could be heard bashing his way through several other walls on his way to continue his pounding of Ichigo. "Kurosaki! Is that the best you can do? Come on, show me your hollow." Finally emerging from the cloud of dust, Zarakai looked truly fearsome. With his eye patch missing and his body bleeding from several deep wounds, he was scary enough to frighten even the sternest of men.

"Bah! Shut the hell up, Kenpachi. I'll kick your ass using nothing but my Bankai- and when I do, you'd better take back those things you said about Rukia, bastard." Wearing his trademarked scowl, Ichigo is just about to throw himself at Zarakai when he feels his collar tighten around his throat. Thinking he might be stuck on something, Ichigo swings his hand behind him in order to knock off the offending object… only to have the hand placed into a vice-grip by someone else. His scowl deepening, he turns around to chew out whichever soul-reaper was dumb enough to interrupt him… only to gaze upon what looked like the devil incarnate.

Now, Ichigo Kurosaki is not an easily frightened man. He had stood up to monsters and evil geniuses, and was currently beating the crap out of Soul Society's most feared captain. However, the look on Rukia's face was so frightening that, had he been free of her grasp, he could've given the Flash Goddess herself a run for her money.

Deciding that his best chance lay in giving her some kind of explanation, Ichigo painted a smile on his face as he turned to face her, hoping against hope that she let him say something. "Eh, Rukia dear, its not what it looks like. You see…"

But as soon as he opened his mouth, the hand that was gripping his collar let go… and swung around to meet his face with enough force to make Zarakai's earlier blow seem like a mild love tap. Rukia was furious, so much so that as he was trying to pick himself out of the rubble Rukia had just blasted him into, she flash-stepped to his side and started raining blows on his collapsed form, all while screaming her head off at him.

"I-Chi-GO! How many times do I have to tell you, NO FIGHTING IN THE DIVISION HEADQUARTERS!" Rukia yelled, each word punctuated by a punch or a kick to either his stomach, face, and another… more vulnerable area

Holding his arms up to protect his face and curling into a fetal position, he tried to say, "Bu-bu-but Rukia, I can explain..."

"Oh, I'm sure that you can explain, moron. You always have an explanation. Don't tell me- this is just like the time when you told Renji to stop getting Henna's and get some real tattoos. Renji's Bankai destroyed an entire section of the Rukongai district because of you."

"NO! First off, I didn't say a thing. Second, Kenpachi doesn't even have tattoos. Third, Renji is a fucking moron!"

"Really? Is that your entire defense? Then is it like the time you fought with Hitsugaya-sama? Did you hit on Yachiru like you did Rangiku-san!? Oh my God! That's what you did, didn't you?"

Finally having enough of her abuse, Ichigo manages to push himself off of the ground, pick her up, and look her square in the eyes, thinking dark thoughts to himself. 'That damn woman, refusing to listen to him. He'd had a perfectly good excuse for fighting Kenpachi- but would she let him tell her in a calm, dignified manner? No! As always, he would have to force it down her throat, like she was some goddamned kid who didn't want to take her medicine. And all he'd been trying to do was make sure that the frickin shorty got the respect she deserved…'

"Goddamnit you stupid midget, how many times do I have to tell you that I didn't do that! I would _never_ do that to you. That entire incident was because we were all drunk. Matsumoto was hitting on me because she wanted to make her captain jealous, and didn't think things threw. She didn't know that Toshiro would draw Hiyorinmaru on me and try to make me into a shinigami popsicle- despite knowing he has a huge crush on her. My right leg STILL goes numb whenever I see him in a bar. Fuck!"

Ichigo too a break from his dialogue and shuddered as he remembered that event. It had been one of the few times in his life he'd been convinced that he wasn't going to survive. He'd let Renji and Ikkaku talk him into going to the bar with them that night- and it happened to be the one night of the year that Hitsugaya had let Matsumoto persuade him into going as well. Luckily, captain Unohana had been nearby for some odd reason (he still wasn't didn't know, as she had been quite evasive…), and had given him emergency treatment on the spot.

What was it with short people and him? Shaking his head to clear it of that particular tangent, he brought his attention back to the tiny woman clasped in his arms. As he did that, though, it occurred to him that a different tactic might work in the situation.

Mentally congratulating himself, Ichigo put his plan into action. "Besides, Rukia, you know me. Ten years ago I made a vow, a vow that I would never hurt you. After all this time together, haven't you learned to trust me more? I love you, Rukia Kuchiki, and I promise that I would never look at another vice-captain in such a way".

As he said this, Ichigo moved Rukia closer to his body, all the while gazing at her with a warm, glowing look on his face. The kicks that Rukia had been sending against his shins gradually stopped, as he began to win her over with his words. Finally giving in, she sighed and lowered her head, allowing herself to be pressed against his chest, her anger diffused for the moment.

Meanwhile, since she couldn't see his face, Ichigo had a giant smile planted there. He'd cheated death once again, and moreover, he'd even gotten her into THAT mood. Things were looking good. 'Next time I'm in the neighborhood, I've gotta buy Shunsui a drink. That man was on the money. Sweet talking really _can_ save your life- especially if you mean it. Nanao really is lucky to have the man. Kami bless his genius!'

* * *

All this time, Zarakai was standing there in full battle mode, wondering what the hell had just happened. Things had been going great for awhile. He'd gotten Kurosaki's blood pumping, and after he was finally warmed up and Kurosaki had unleashed his bankai, that prissy captain's little sister had to come by and interrupt things.

Growling to himself, Zarakai figured that the best way to get things started again was to goad Ichigo. "Kurosaki! Stop hiding behind that woman and come at me already! It was just getting to the interesting part before you had to go and get all weak on me. What are ya, some kind of 4th division wimp now?". Anger evident in his face, Zarakai raised his sword and made a slicing motion, destroying the final portion of what used to be the 13th divisions headquarters.

Tearing his eyes away from Rukia, Ichigo looked up and scowled at him. "Shut it Kenpachi. Can't you see that I'm busy here? Go back to the 11th division's headquarters already- we can finish our fight there some other time." Turning his attention back to Rukia, Ichigo lifted her head up to kiss her.

Frowning, and beyond angry at this point, Zarakai figures that if his opponent is going to stop a really good fight just so they guy can make some vice-captain happy, he can go for a low blow. 'Che'. And that really… what was it that Yachiru said again? Oh yeah, that kinda thought could really piss him off.

* * *

Zarakai start laughing manically. Chills running down his spine,Ichigo looks at Zarakai again… and realizes what the man is about to do. Crap!

Grinning, Zarakai looked Ichigo full in the face as he spoke Ichigo's doom. "Oh, really? Well then, Kurosaki, I guess that little Kuchiki here would like to know just what the two of us were fighting about, then. After all, you were only being the dutiful lover, weren't you? I mean, you were so vehement that she should be the woman on the front cover of the shinigami men's society swimsuit catalogue earlier, and in a string bikini no less. She sure is lucky to have such a supportive captain as her superior officer."

Shit. He was in trouble. There was no way left to save his life but to try and make a run for it. Understanding just what he'd find, Ichigo looked down at Rukia once again... and almost faints on the spot.

Was she… laughing? Into his chest? Oh FUCK! Never mind his body; she'd be after his friggin soul. Not even massive amounts of his blood could satisfy her now.

He was beyond screwed... and therefore left with only one option.

Gently letting go of her, he quickly turns around and tries to run… but not fast enough. Looking back behind him, Ichigo notices a dark, twisting reaitsu forming around Rukia, and began to faint. His life was over.

Laughing out loud, Zarakai took his leave of the two lovers. "Later Kurosaki. And make sure to drop by for that fight." Zarakai puts his sword away as he wandered in the direction of 4th squad, seeking his most amusing drinking partner.

The screams that rang out from the 13th division went down into shinigami history, bearing testimony to the agony its captain was suffering for his audacity. And as for the shinigami men's society… well, its president, one vice-captain Iba, was found hanging upside down in front of captain-general Ukitake's office, with a note strapped to his chest. The note read: If this man or his subordinates ever try to create a swimsuit calendar, next time we won't be as merciful. Sincerely, the SWA.

**End**

**A/N:**

Bobicus: Well everyone, I hope that you enjoyed the fic. Feel free to leave your comments below, and I hope you enjoyed the story.


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